#15

I find that it's hard not to focus on 'baby stuff.' I wanted to do an entry about other things and all of my thoughts about 'other things' are so intertwined with 'baby stuff.' So, I'll do my best.

Work. I really do love my job, I love working with my clients. The things I don't love seem to be taking up a lot of my time recently, like doing tons of paperwork, so it makes it harder to love my job. One of the best things about my job is the flexibility of my schedule. I've thought about changing positions, there was an opening for a Training Coordinator, but that would require having a set schedule and working from the office everyday. I like that I can work from home some days and leave the house later on other days and work later evenings. I like that I can pretty much make my schedule however I want as long as I get my work 'mostly' done. I've come to the realization that getting my work totally done is not possible, so I'm happy with mostly. Anyway, all of these thoughts are def. connected to baby stuff, as I like having the option of staying at home maybe one day a week with the baby. We'll see how it all pans out.

Related to work, is licensing. I have been studying with Livier pretty much every weekend for the past two months...I was hoping to be ready to take the test by the beginning of January, but that doesn't seem to be a realistic goal at this time. I'm not doing as well on my practice tests as I'd like to be doing and I've really only made a dent in the reading materials. I wish I had more energy and time to dedicate to studying, but by the time I'm done with my work day I am BEAT. I've thought about trying to flex a day at work to study, and I might start doing that...as long as I can continue to be 'mostly' caught up at work. I would really love to get licensed before the baby is born, but if I don't pass the first test, i can't retake it for six months. It's stressful thinking about it...but I'll continue to work towards it and I will be licensed someday.

Anyway, I'm hungry now so I'm going to go eat something. I've learned not to wait too long to eat or I get even more emotional than I used to get. It's great, I cry at least once a day...usually about something i hear on the radio or see on the TV...usually things that shouldn't make me cry. Anyway, I'm off before I start crying. :)

#14 Baby stuff

Well, I'm 17w6d today...basically 4.5 months. Everything seems to be moving along. We had a minor scare at the Dr. on Friday, she couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler even though they had found it a month ago. I had a mini heart attack, but then we got to have a quick ultrasound and saw our little merht. He/She seemed bigger an his/her heart appeared to have a strong heart beat. My dr. commented on my strong heartbeat because that's all she could pick up on the doppler. I'm guessing it was difficult to find the heart beat because the baby is higher now and in a more padded area.

I have felt some movements, more like twitches in the belly. The Dr says I can look forward to feeling more consistent movements after 20w. I'm just worried that feeling more movements will completely spark up my ADHD and I'll loose all of my attention span, I guess we'll see. I have lost about 10lbs since I found out I was pregnant, four lbs were in the past month. I may be following in my mother's footsteps, she lost 25lbs with each pregnancy. Something about having an alien in your belly jump starts the thyroid or something. Even though all of my clothes still fit, I have succumbed to maternity pants because my regular pants would just push on my belly when I sat down (which is painful, i had to keep unbuttoning my pants), and slide off when I stood up. I must say, maternity pants are super comfortable, and I may just switch to wearing maternity pants for the rest of my life. LOL, jk.

We've been trying to figure out our finances for before and after the baby comes. All I can say is, day care and diapers are freakin' expensive. It appears we would be able to save money if we used a cloth diaper service. My parents used cloth diapers and are big proponents. I would love to be able to use my own cloth diapers and not have to use a service, but we don't have a washer/dryer in our apartment so that's a no go. Figuring out daycare is going to be stressful, so I really don't want to think about it too much at the moment.

Here are some things that I've been looking at that I really like:

Magnetic baby clothes. It seems like a fantastic idea, just not sure if they would stay securely fastened.

Granola Babies. A shop in Costa Mesa. I will probably register here. They have this carrier that I think is a great idea, the Beco Gemini. I think Justin and I could both use it.

And of course I love Lil Devils in Long Beach. I just wish they had a website so I could register online for my non-local friends (which is pretty much everyone).

Finally, the diaper service that makes the most sense to me. Luludew Diapers.

Oh, another thing that my mom and I have been searching for are Front Snap Onesies. They are so much easier than crotch snap onesies but they are pretty difficult to find. I found a few places that carry them. Yay!


Anyway, Just some updates on babyness so that I can also remember and keep track. I'll probably do a non baby entry next. :)

Lucky #13

Well, the cat is out of the bag. We made the "official" (facebook) announcement on Friday night and we were flooded with excitement from friends, co-workers, and family. :) Today at work (i'm currently on my lunch break) people have been coming up to me and congratulating me all day. It's kinda weird, as I don't like being the center of attention, but it's also very nice to hear the well wishes from my co-workers.

Last Friday we heard the heartbeat. It was pretty amazing. :) I recorded it on my phone and I look forward to hearing it get stronger over the next six months.

We have A LOT to do in the next six months, but it's going to be "Amazing" (in my best Hule Hower voice). :)

#12

I'm not very good at updating this, but that is okay...I will do it when I can and I won't feel bad about it. It's currently 3:30ish in the morning and I'm wide awake. We went to Lil Devils today to pick up something for a very special 1 year old, and a crying walk down 4th street followed. While we were shopping I found myself missing Pete and almost broke down at the counter while paying because we let the nice shop girl know that we were pregnant, something I really wish I could tell Pete. I know it's part pregnancy hormones, but it's also just really sad. I miss our friend. So I've been up since 3am using a lot of tissue crying every time I think about my friend with the perfect hugs, sincere laugh and huge heart. It's kinda weird, I noticed that he died last May, and our due date is in May...I'm sure just a coincidence, but I also wouldn't be surprised if we had an angel helping us out to make this pregnancy possible. Pete knew how much we wanted to start a family, and he was a huge cheerleader for us. Anyway, I miss him.

In other news, my last post lied. Oops, I guess I wasn't 9 weeks then, I was only 7 or so weeks. When we went to our OB appointment at the end of September and had our first Ultrasound, they said we were only 8 weeks and 1 day....so that makes me 11 weeks and 4 days today. So, we still haven't told EVERYONE yet, though we've told the most important family and friends....and a bunch of random people as well (see above telling the shop girl at Lil Devils). But, so far so good...I guess that's all I can say. I have had a cold that won't go away for the past week and a half and some other fun mystery ailment of my joints that has led me to have a Vegetarian diet. It's weird not eating meat, but it's also not that hard either. I just have to think more about where I can get lunch and what we are going to make for dinner. It's taken some adjusting, but I think it will be good for my health and good for the baby.

People keep telling us they think we're going to have a boy. I'm really looking forward to finding that out in a month or two. I would def be happy with a boy....or a girl. :) I just want to have a healthy baby. Of course it's way more fun to dress girls, but there is def. something special about having a little boy. So I'm sure I will be overjoyed either way. :) I feel a lot better after writing...I think I can go back to bed for the next two hours b4 I have to get up to take Justin to work. Thanks for reading...I know, I like to ramble. :)

#11

WOO!!! 9 weeks today! :) Still feeling pretty okay, just super tired all the time with some tummy problems that I won't get into. One fun thing is that I'm so bloated that my pants are feeling to tight (mostly just when I sit down), So I've resorted to using the rubber band method...if you don't know what that is, I'll explain in person. Anyway, I just wanted to post something. 9 weeks is exciting to me because there is a less than 1% chance of miscarriage...and now I'm hoping I didn't jinx myself by writing that. LOL. Okay...off to work. :-D

#10

YAY!!!! so now that my two followers know I can finally write about it. I'm PREGNANT!!!

It's still very surreal, I'm still waiting for the rug to be pulled form under my feet, I'm just still not 100% sure. LOL I don't get to see proof until later this month, proof meaning an ultrasound or hearing the heartbeat...so I'm still on edge. I can say that I've never been more anxious in my whole life, I've had more morbid thoughts in the past few weeks than the past several years put together. I fear that my body is just playing a huge trick on me, that there is nothing there and that it's all a dream. Something we wanted for so long, but really didn't think would happen, actually happened. How could I not be skeptical. I mean, even before i married justin i spoke to him about the fact that I may not be able to have babies and here I am, PREGNANT. Oddness.

I have some more worries that come to mind. Mostly about my health. PCOS comes along with some really fun symptoms, one that i'm worried most about is Gestational Diabetes. I took my one hour sugar test and it is slightly high, not to the point where I most likely have diabetes, but to the point where I'll probably have to do the three hours sugar test, which appears to be NO FUN. It's all for a good cause though. I know I need to change my diet, more of a high protein low carb thing, which will be super hard because carbs are my best friend. But again, all for a good cause. I think the hardest part will be encouraging Justin to change the way he cooks...which I'm sure he'll do after the Doctor tells him he needs to. (yeah, i really don't do much cooking in this house, not because I don't want to, but because Justin loves to.) So yeah, this will be interesting.

Another thing I worry about is my job. My job is stressful and action packed. I worry that I won't be able to perform to the level that I would like to and I'm also worried that I won't be able to hang very long. I really don't want to change jobs, so I'm hoping my supervisors will be sympathetic and help me out a bit. I love working with my clients, but I haven't been very motivated to go above and beyond lately, which is unlike me at my job. No one has really noticed yet, but I have. I'm very tired around 3pm everyday and I really don't get much done after that. Since I have been waking up at the crack of dawn everyday I'm hoping to get a lot done in the mornings and to see most of my clients at their schools so I can be done early on most days. I guess that is the great thing about my job, it's extremely flexible, which is going to be helpful.

Anyway, I know it's normal to be worried and to google things during my 3am bathroom break every night, so as much worry as I have...I'm actually not that Stressed...I mean I don't feel overwhelmed with these thoughts...they are just thoughts. I look them up if I need to and I make mental notes and I move on. Luckily so far I haven't had any 'morning' sickness. I dunno if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I just try to make sure I don't get really hungry and I eat small snacks throughout the day. I've been drinking a ton of water and it's been helping the crazy cramps I was having in the begining. I still have them, but it's not as bad.

All in all, this is going to be neat. No matter what happens, it's good to know that it's possible.

I am currently 7 weeks and 3 days, which in 'forum talk' is 7w3d. :) Woo. I truly am excited for what is to come. My life is pretty amazing. :)

#9

Life has been moving super duper fast as of late. There have been so many things I've thought about writing about, but then I never actually sit down and do it. Here is a list of the thoughts of ramblings for the last few weeks:

a. my experience at traffic court and the officer with perfect eyebrows
b. thinking I'm pregnant then realizing it was gas
c. enjoying the little things in life, i.e. cuddling on the couch (this may also include gas.lol)
d. Babymaking, including low body temperature, new lube and headstands.
e. Fighting the urge to steal my friends babies.
f. work work work... including the impact of educating teenagers about their cool brains
g. Being married for 3 years = not so bad, it's actually super wonderful!

So, as you can see there have been some things to ramble about but I lag. ;) Now, did you think I was going to go ahead and ramble about a-g? Sadly, I don't have time at the moment. It's Justin's bday and I have some cleaning to do. I think most of those topics are self explanatory, so just a quick update on the baby making. Saw the OB 15 days ago. Not Preggo. Gave me a prescription for clomid. Was going to wait to take it so I could sign up for AFLAC, but it doesn't seem to be worth it. So, now I'm waiting for my auntie flow to visit so I can try it out. :) Here's hoping!

#8

So, I probably shouldn't be writing right now, I should be doing billing notes...but I've got some things on my mind that I want to share. I know I don't update often and my daily life gets so full that I usually just come home and relax. I'm not good at calling people to let them know what's going on with me and I don't really get calls from people often who inquire so I usually just come home and unload on Justin, and he unloads on me (ew, not in a dirty way). Lately, Justin and I have been going to the gym, so that is good and I can tell it's helping me with some stress release during the week. Anyway, Here are some updates on the baby front:

I saw my new OB on the 16th. It was a kind of lack luster meeting, she is not as pleasant as my last OB but she seems to know her ish. I left that meeting feeling kind of bummed, missing my old doctor, and being frustrated that she told me the same thing that every doctor since I was 12 told me..."well, if you lose some weight...". It's frustrating. Anyway, she gave me a prescription for Metformin and Spironolactone. Metformin is a medication for diabetics, but it seems to help women with PCOS a great deal and Spironolactone is a blood pressure medication that also seems to help women with PCOS regulate their blood pressure while reducing hair growth...hmm, who would have known? lol So, I started taking the meds that evening. The doctor also told me that she would like me to get a hysterosalpingogram, which is an xray where they put dye in my lady parts and see if everything is functioning well (no blockage in the fallopian tubes, etc). She told me that I would have to induce a period with provera(since I NEVER have one unless I do) and then schedule the procedure, yeah, they want you ON your period while they do it...I'm still curious how that's going to work...anyway, I was going to wait until the 1st (today) to start taking the provera, but my body had another plan. I actually started a period last Friday...all on my own! (okay, the metformin probably helped). It was pretty exciting, I thought about posting it on Facebook, but refrained. LOL I called my mom instead. So, since Monday I've been trying to schedule and it was getting frustrating because my doctor kept putting the referral in wrong...it was finally approved by my insurance yesterday and I called to schedule and they say "well, because you started your period on Friday, we have to schedule it for Thursday or the latest Friday, and, we don't have any openings, you may have to wait until next month, hold on." I almost started to cry but she came back and said 'Our radiologist will do it on Friday at 9:30". Woo...so, this Friday at 8:30 I have to go to my OB's office, get a pregnancy test and have them clear me...then go to the radiology center and get dye put in my whoha...weird. They say some women cramp and experience discomfort. I'm not looking forward to it, especially because I have to go to work afterward, but I'll live, I'm sure.

After we get results from that test,not sure how long it will take, we'll know if we can move forward with clomid. Honestly the most stressful part of this process has been scheduling and referrals...Everything is all good in the hood and I'm just glad things are moving forward. :)

Justin let me know that a very good friend of mine has expressed concern. I want that friend to know that I am doing okay, I am not depressed or totally stressed about the baby making, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE hearing about other ppls babies, especially my boys! Every time I get pictures or tid bits it brings a HUGE smile to my face. I may not always respond, because I hate texting and I'm usually driving then I forget...but I usually share the pictures I get with Justin and it really makes my day. :) Keep em comin! *HUGS*

Okay, now I reallly need to get to work.

#7

What a day.

I am home now and I am feeling a tad overwhelmed. I am facing the fact that one of my favorite clients, who I have worked with for almost two years, may be having either a psychotic break, may be bi-polar, or may have a conduct disorder. Either way, he is headed down a bumpy road and I feel so lost in helping him at the moment....and he won't let me even try, which is heartbreaking. This is one of those kids that makes me want to quit my job and move him in to my home because he would do so much better with the structure, acceptance, and love that I could provide for such a special kid. This will not happen of course, but I just want to do so much more for this kid than my position allows. During times like these I get so frustrated w/ the system and with the adults that give life to children they can not and will not love or take care of. This kid is so talented, he could really be a force to be reckoned with in the art or fashion world, but the years upon years of lack of structure and lack of consequences have left him with a greater chance of him being your favorite homeless savant or another statistic in the juvenile justice system. He has been stealing frequently for the past two months, getting break after break from the major discount shopping stores he is attempting to steal from, and not understanding that he can and will get consequences eventually. He lives in a group home where they don't do crap and we have been trying to get him moved for several months but his children's social worker is useless. He is in a downward spiral and I'm very scared that I will have to see him in a juvenile justice facility or in a hospital very soon. I have expressed my concern, but he is not concerned. I told him that if he won't worry for himself, I will worry for him. He is 16 going on 17, but looks 12 going on 13. He is not on target in his development physically or mentally thanks to being born drug addicted and w/ syphilis. Anyway, this kid has been weighing heavy on my heart. I really care about him and I want to be able to help..I do know that the fact that I do care is helpful, but he is just so lost right now. Anyway, I have a heavy feeling and I want to feel lighter.

Which takes me into my next area. I am having a problem lately where I NEVER feel full, even when I do feel physically full I still want to eat. I'm not gaining a ton of weight because I am not giving into it, but I just hate the feeling. I have been trying to think think think about where this is coming from and I'm sure it's coming from a LOT of areas at the moment. I just feel very stressed lately and not very self assured. I am not as confident as I was a year ago, and no where as confident as I was the year before that. There are a lot of things going on in my life that have been building up and I know I am not dealing with them or accepting the strain they may have on my psyche. Often times I consume myself in my work so I don't have to face what is really going on with me. Well, here are two things that have been bothering me:

1. I am so so so scared that i won't be able to have my own child. Now this is something that I have been aware of for about 10 years now, but after 'trying' for the past year w/ no luck, and getting some news about my hormones, I am kind of stuck in pause. I see a new doctor on the 16th and I just hope this doctor can be more helpful. I loved my last doctor, but I don't think she really knew how to effectively help me. I've done a lot of research and I can't move on to the next step w/out the support of a knowledgeable compassionate doctor. So, we'll see what happens on the 16th. I just feel bad because I have been losing my confidence in the bedroom (probably too much info) but it is affecting my sex life and I hate that. I actually cried for the first time about it last week and Justin felt horrible. He said something insensitive about my hairy legs, which wouldn't have normally bothered me, and that totally killed everything. I broke down and it was just no fun. He totally swept me off my feet the next night and made up for it, but I know my reaction was more about not being able to give him the family he wants then the stupid comment about my "sexy hairy legs." Anyway, something we will continue to work on, it's just hard to feel/act sexy or womanly when I don't feel like much of a woman, hormonally speaking. It's weird, I hate PCOS.

2. I have been getting my hours together to get licensed. Again, my confidence is so so low in this area. I have worked so hard the past three years, heck the past 7 years to be able to do what I love doing...and I am so so scared that I won't pass the licensing exam. I have a fear of failure and it is so strong right now. I have been putting this stuff off for the last year and I'm really trying to set things in motion right now. I found out that I need to take a few additional courses before I can mail in my hours so I've been trying to find those. Luckily, so does Livier, so we're doing it together. I will conquer this fear, I will...and I will pass the test eventually. Anyway, That's what's going on with me.

In other news, I went to the gym tonight. I added Justin on to my account w/ the money we're saving by not renewing our dland passes. I told him if there is a month he doesn't go then I'm going to cancel the membership. Mine is $50 a year and I haven't been in forever. We're going to try to go Mondays, Wed. and at least one day on the weekend. In better news, I got the prize at Kindra's Oscar Party...not to shabby considering I saw like three of the movies. Kindra actually won, but I got runner up. That was fun. :) So, that's about it at the moment.

#6

blood work is done, it was in interesting experience. next months i get to have an ovulation test. woo! lol back to work.

#5

So, I'm currently sitting on hold waiting to figure out if I can go to the lab by my house or if I have to trek to fountain valley tomorrow morning. Woo. I finally get to go get my blood work done. I've been slightly stressing/annoyed because my auntie Flo wasn't coming...usually after i do my 10day dose of provera, Flo comes to visit w/in 2-3 days after I'm done...but this month, i finished my dose on the 16th and Flo didn't come until the 23rd. I was totally annoyed and thought that my body hated me...and then I thought that maybe I was pregnant and I had harmed my baby by taking the provera...and so I took a pregnancy test...and of course it was negative...but still, it was frustrating. So it finally started in the middle of the night on Friday, yay.

off hold...

....
....
....

ARG...i'm annoyed! So good news is, they said I could go to the lab by my house,...but then they checked to make sure the labs were ordered...and, THEY WEREN'T! UGH. I checked the e-mail from my doctor and she said she was ordering them on the 18th of last month. Arg! So I'm supposed to get my labs done tomorrow and now I'm going to have to call the doctor in the morning and see if she can order them and then go get them, all before going in to work in the morning. Frustrating, I really hope I don't have to wait until next month. :(

So it looks like this is turning into a blog about trying to get pregnant. LOL Of course this isn't all that is going on in my life, but I guess it's a pretty big important thing. I really do want to start a family and now I'm getting impatient. LOL I know I need to relax, but right now there isn't enough chocolate in the world that will take the edge off. Kinda fitting, I just finished watching Julie and Julia and it appeared Julia Childs couldn't get pregnant...yah.

So, I'm more calm now and I'm going to change the subject. When I was on vacation with my family early this month, my oldest sister taught me how to knit. I've always wanted to learn how to knit and now I'm super excited to get started. I plan on going to the yarn store today to pick out something that won't look lame for my first real project. I'm sure I'm going to go nuts while trying to learn, but I love doing things with my hands, and this I can also do while I'm watching TV. LOL

Another thing I'd love to do this year is take a ballet class. There is one in Long Beach that I used to go to but it is so expensive. They ask for $20 a class now, when I used to go there it was $12 a class and you could pay $10 a class if you bought them in a bundle. I guess now if you buy a bundle it is anywhere from $15 a class to $12.75 a class...so we'll see. I may look around to find another class, or I might just go like twice a month. I just really want to dance again. I miss dancing. I wish I could find a modern dance class in the area, but that will take a little more searching I guess.

I also need to get my paperwork together for getting Licenced. I need to stop putting it off, but then again, I know I can't afford any prep classes until July, so I guess I can afford to put it off a little longer. But, I would like to get licenced this year, I'll get an 8% raise at my job and I will be closer to being able to become a supervisor in my field, which is a goal I def. have. ;)

Okay, I'm off to the yarn store. Yay for the sun being out!

#4

I really do need to write more. I used to love to write and would write long novel like journal entries, now...just the thought of actually sitting down and writing is kind of stressful to me. I guess because I write so much at work..boring work stuff...that writing has lost it's fun. I want it to be fun again, and more so I want to get something out of it. When I used to write, it was just rambling...just getting what was swimming around in my head out...working things out...helping organize my thoughts. Nothing was every pretty or tied up in a perfect bow. I never worked hard to sound intelligent...I just rambled.

I need to get my ramble back. It seriously helps me. I guess one of the reasons I ramble less in writing is because I ramble more in person I suppose. I was not much of a talker up until about 4-5 years ago. I was more of a instant messenger type and a total listener when around friends. I think when I went to Michigan, and I HAD to talk on the phone for hours w/ Justin I started to get used to the sound of my voice. It's not secret that I grew up with two very VERBAL sisters, who were both speech and debate champions. They were/are brilliant and I guess I was just brilliant at listening to them. I expressed myself more with art, dance and color guard. I was also more athletic than both of my sisters. I guess my body spoke for me in ways that theirs didn't. I knew I was strong and so did everyone else...I guess my sisters kinda had to prove it with their voices, their thoughts and their awards. I love them to death, but I never knew that someone actually cared to listen to me until I met Justin. Honestly, I loved my friends but always felt that my problems, my thoughts, and my world was just a little boring and way less significant. After I met Justin I learned that someone could listen to me, care, respond, converse, learn, share, and just be there. All those things I was doing for everyone else, he did for me. So, my rambling has been externalized verbally. It's no longer my internal thought bubble let out on a computer screen. But still, I'm not sure I could ever ramble enough verbally to get out the ramblings in my brain. So...away we go.

Yesterday I spent a delightful day with Megan and Alex while Justin and the boys went to the Redskins game. The time spent w/ M&A cemented the fact that I want to start a family soon soon soon. I think Megan got a little worried about Alex crying in public or when she was trying to pack up, but honestly, it didn't bug me one bit. I guess I just feel like 'babies cry' and it's normal and natural. Yes, of course you're supposed to try to figure out what's wrong with them, but sometimes i think they just cry. Alex is a super sweetie and the more I'm around him the more I know I want to be a mom.

Yesterday I caught myself saying frequently "well if i can have a baby..." . I guess the fear that I can't is deeper in my psyche than I thought...because I can never just say..."when we have a family...". I am super scared that I won't be able to have a baby, I won't be able to experience the ups and downs of pregnancy, I won't be able to bond with a baby as I've seen my friends do...but then, i remember...even if I can't have a baby of my own, I want to be a mom...and I'll be a good mom. Even yesterday that settled in for me a little more. Now, I know it was only one day with one exceptional baby, but rocking him to sleep, making him laugh, it just felt natural. I guess Alex helped reinforce that if I do have to adopt...that will be okay because I'll be able to do the important bonding stuff with a baby that didn't come from my belly. It will be okay.

So, this month I will need to get some blood work done. From that we'll find out if Metformin will work for me (which I'm sure it will) and then from there I'll get more labs to find out if I'm ovulating (which I'm sure I'm not). My doctor last communicated that she would like to get my started on Metformin and possibly clomid. I've been on Metformin before so it doesn't freak me out, but Clomid kinda does. I've done some research and the things that scared me the most...i.e. costing millions of $$, multiple births, etc...are actually not so bad. Now, it's not something I'd LOVE to take, but I am willing. The $$ part is not so bad because they make a generic equivalent and i can get that reduced priced at Target...and the chances of having multiples is less than 10%, if i get pregnant using it. SO, we'll see.

Anyway, while i was writing this, i was actually doing some research. I'm tired and I want some pie. We have left over cherry pie from new years. Woo! The end~