#8

So, I probably shouldn't be writing right now, I should be doing billing notes...but I've got some things on my mind that I want to share. I know I don't update often and my daily life gets so full that I usually just come home and relax. I'm not good at calling people to let them know what's going on with me and I don't really get calls from people often who inquire so I usually just come home and unload on Justin, and he unloads on me (ew, not in a dirty way). Lately, Justin and I have been going to the gym, so that is good and I can tell it's helping me with some stress release during the week. Anyway, Here are some updates on the baby front:

I saw my new OB on the 16th. It was a kind of lack luster meeting, she is not as pleasant as my last OB but she seems to know her ish. I left that meeting feeling kind of bummed, missing my old doctor, and being frustrated that she told me the same thing that every doctor since I was 12 told me..."well, if you lose some weight...". It's frustrating. Anyway, she gave me a prescription for Metformin and Spironolactone. Metformin is a medication for diabetics, but it seems to help women with PCOS a great deal and Spironolactone is a blood pressure medication that also seems to help women with PCOS regulate their blood pressure while reducing hair growth...hmm, who would have known? lol So, I started taking the meds that evening. The doctor also told me that she would like me to get a hysterosalpingogram, which is an xray where they put dye in my lady parts and see if everything is functioning well (no blockage in the fallopian tubes, etc). She told me that I would have to induce a period with provera(since I NEVER have one unless I do) and then schedule the procedure, yeah, they want you ON your period while they do it...I'm still curious how that's going to work...anyway, I was going to wait until the 1st (today) to start taking the provera, but my body had another plan. I actually started a period last Friday...all on my own! (okay, the metformin probably helped). It was pretty exciting, I thought about posting it on Facebook, but refrained. LOL I called my mom instead. So, since Monday I've been trying to schedule and it was getting frustrating because my doctor kept putting the referral in wrong...it was finally approved by my insurance yesterday and I called to schedule and they say "well, because you started your period on Friday, we have to schedule it for Thursday or the latest Friday, and, we don't have any openings, you may have to wait until next month, hold on." I almost started to cry but she came back and said 'Our radiologist will do it on Friday at 9:30". Woo...so, this Friday at 8:30 I have to go to my OB's office, get a pregnancy test and have them clear me...then go to the radiology center and get dye put in my whoha...weird. They say some women cramp and experience discomfort. I'm not looking forward to it, especially because I have to go to work afterward, but I'll live, I'm sure.

After we get results from that test,not sure how long it will take, we'll know if we can move forward with clomid. Honestly the most stressful part of this process has been scheduling and referrals...Everything is all good in the hood and I'm just glad things are moving forward. :)

Justin let me know that a very good friend of mine has expressed concern. I want that friend to know that I am doing okay, I am not depressed or totally stressed about the baby making, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE hearing about other ppls babies, especially my boys! Every time I get pictures or tid bits it brings a HUGE smile to my face. I may not always respond, because I hate texting and I'm usually driving then I forget...but I usually share the pictures I get with Justin and it really makes my day. :) Keep em comin! *HUGS*

Okay, now I reallly need to get to work.

#7

What a day.

I am home now and I am feeling a tad overwhelmed. I am facing the fact that one of my favorite clients, who I have worked with for almost two years, may be having either a psychotic break, may be bi-polar, or may have a conduct disorder. Either way, he is headed down a bumpy road and I feel so lost in helping him at the moment....and he won't let me even try, which is heartbreaking. This is one of those kids that makes me want to quit my job and move him in to my home because he would do so much better with the structure, acceptance, and love that I could provide for such a special kid. This will not happen of course, but I just want to do so much more for this kid than my position allows. During times like these I get so frustrated w/ the system and with the adults that give life to children they can not and will not love or take care of. This kid is so talented, he could really be a force to be reckoned with in the art or fashion world, but the years upon years of lack of structure and lack of consequences have left him with a greater chance of him being your favorite homeless savant or another statistic in the juvenile justice system. He has been stealing frequently for the past two months, getting break after break from the major discount shopping stores he is attempting to steal from, and not understanding that he can and will get consequences eventually. He lives in a group home where they don't do crap and we have been trying to get him moved for several months but his children's social worker is useless. He is in a downward spiral and I'm very scared that I will have to see him in a juvenile justice facility or in a hospital very soon. I have expressed my concern, but he is not concerned. I told him that if he won't worry for himself, I will worry for him. He is 16 going on 17, but looks 12 going on 13. He is not on target in his development physically or mentally thanks to being born drug addicted and w/ syphilis. Anyway, this kid has been weighing heavy on my heart. I really care about him and I want to be able to help..I do know that the fact that I do care is helpful, but he is just so lost right now. Anyway, I have a heavy feeling and I want to feel lighter.

Which takes me into my next area. I am having a problem lately where I NEVER feel full, even when I do feel physically full I still want to eat. I'm not gaining a ton of weight because I am not giving into it, but I just hate the feeling. I have been trying to think think think about where this is coming from and I'm sure it's coming from a LOT of areas at the moment. I just feel very stressed lately and not very self assured. I am not as confident as I was a year ago, and no where as confident as I was the year before that. There are a lot of things going on in my life that have been building up and I know I am not dealing with them or accepting the strain they may have on my psyche. Often times I consume myself in my work so I don't have to face what is really going on with me. Well, here are two things that have been bothering me:

1. I am so so so scared that i won't be able to have my own child. Now this is something that I have been aware of for about 10 years now, but after 'trying' for the past year w/ no luck, and getting some news about my hormones, I am kind of stuck in pause. I see a new doctor on the 16th and I just hope this doctor can be more helpful. I loved my last doctor, but I don't think she really knew how to effectively help me. I've done a lot of research and I can't move on to the next step w/out the support of a knowledgeable compassionate doctor. So, we'll see what happens on the 16th. I just feel bad because I have been losing my confidence in the bedroom (probably too much info) but it is affecting my sex life and I hate that. I actually cried for the first time about it last week and Justin felt horrible. He said something insensitive about my hairy legs, which wouldn't have normally bothered me, and that totally killed everything. I broke down and it was just no fun. He totally swept me off my feet the next night and made up for it, but I know my reaction was more about not being able to give him the family he wants then the stupid comment about my "sexy hairy legs." Anyway, something we will continue to work on, it's just hard to feel/act sexy or womanly when I don't feel like much of a woman, hormonally speaking. It's weird, I hate PCOS.

2. I have been getting my hours together to get licensed. Again, my confidence is so so low in this area. I have worked so hard the past three years, heck the past 7 years to be able to do what I love doing...and I am so so scared that I won't pass the licensing exam. I have a fear of failure and it is so strong right now. I have been putting this stuff off for the last year and I'm really trying to set things in motion right now. I found out that I need to take a few additional courses before I can mail in my hours so I've been trying to find those. Luckily, so does Livier, so we're doing it together. I will conquer this fear, I will...and I will pass the test eventually. Anyway, That's what's going on with me.

In other news, I went to the gym tonight. I added Justin on to my account w/ the money we're saving by not renewing our dland passes. I told him if there is a month he doesn't go then I'm going to cancel the membership. Mine is $50 a year and I haven't been in forever. We're going to try to go Mondays, Wed. and at least one day on the weekend. In better news, I got the prize at Kindra's Oscar Party...not to shabby considering I saw like three of the movies. Kindra actually won, but I got runner up. That was fun. :) So, that's about it at the moment.

#6

blood work is done, it was in interesting experience. next months i get to have an ovulation test. woo! lol back to work.

#5

So, I'm currently sitting on hold waiting to figure out if I can go to the lab by my house or if I have to trek to fountain valley tomorrow morning. Woo. I finally get to go get my blood work done. I've been slightly stressing/annoyed because my auntie Flo wasn't coming...usually after i do my 10day dose of provera, Flo comes to visit w/in 2-3 days after I'm done...but this month, i finished my dose on the 16th and Flo didn't come until the 23rd. I was totally annoyed and thought that my body hated me...and then I thought that maybe I was pregnant and I had harmed my baby by taking the provera...and so I took a pregnancy test...and of course it was negative...but still, it was frustrating. So it finally started in the middle of the night on Friday, yay.

off hold...

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ARG...i'm annoyed! So good news is, they said I could go to the lab by my house,...but then they checked to make sure the labs were ordered...and, THEY WEREN'T! UGH. I checked the e-mail from my doctor and she said she was ordering them on the 18th of last month. Arg! So I'm supposed to get my labs done tomorrow and now I'm going to have to call the doctor in the morning and see if she can order them and then go get them, all before going in to work in the morning. Frustrating, I really hope I don't have to wait until next month. :(

So it looks like this is turning into a blog about trying to get pregnant. LOL Of course this isn't all that is going on in my life, but I guess it's a pretty big important thing. I really do want to start a family and now I'm getting impatient. LOL I know I need to relax, but right now there isn't enough chocolate in the world that will take the edge off. Kinda fitting, I just finished watching Julie and Julia and it appeared Julia Childs couldn't get pregnant...yah.

So, I'm more calm now and I'm going to change the subject. When I was on vacation with my family early this month, my oldest sister taught me how to knit. I've always wanted to learn how to knit and now I'm super excited to get started. I plan on going to the yarn store today to pick out something that won't look lame for my first real project. I'm sure I'm going to go nuts while trying to learn, but I love doing things with my hands, and this I can also do while I'm watching TV. LOL

Another thing I'd love to do this year is take a ballet class. There is one in Long Beach that I used to go to but it is so expensive. They ask for $20 a class now, when I used to go there it was $12 a class and you could pay $10 a class if you bought them in a bundle. I guess now if you buy a bundle it is anywhere from $15 a class to $12.75 a class...so we'll see. I may look around to find another class, or I might just go like twice a month. I just really want to dance again. I miss dancing. I wish I could find a modern dance class in the area, but that will take a little more searching I guess.

I also need to get my paperwork together for getting Licenced. I need to stop putting it off, but then again, I know I can't afford any prep classes until July, so I guess I can afford to put it off a little longer. But, I would like to get licenced this year, I'll get an 8% raise at my job and I will be closer to being able to become a supervisor in my field, which is a goal I def. have. ;)

Okay, I'm off to the yarn store. Yay for the sun being out!

#4

I really do need to write more. I used to love to write and would write long novel like journal entries, now...just the thought of actually sitting down and writing is kind of stressful to me. I guess because I write so much at work..boring work stuff...that writing has lost it's fun. I want it to be fun again, and more so I want to get something out of it. When I used to write, it was just rambling...just getting what was swimming around in my head out...working things out...helping organize my thoughts. Nothing was every pretty or tied up in a perfect bow. I never worked hard to sound intelligent...I just rambled.

I need to get my ramble back. It seriously helps me. I guess one of the reasons I ramble less in writing is because I ramble more in person I suppose. I was not much of a talker up until about 4-5 years ago. I was more of a instant messenger type and a total listener when around friends. I think when I went to Michigan, and I HAD to talk on the phone for hours w/ Justin I started to get used to the sound of my voice. It's not secret that I grew up with two very VERBAL sisters, who were both speech and debate champions. They were/are brilliant and I guess I was just brilliant at listening to them. I expressed myself more with art, dance and color guard. I was also more athletic than both of my sisters. I guess my body spoke for me in ways that theirs didn't. I knew I was strong and so did everyone else...I guess my sisters kinda had to prove it with their voices, their thoughts and their awards. I love them to death, but I never knew that someone actually cared to listen to me until I met Justin. Honestly, I loved my friends but always felt that my problems, my thoughts, and my world was just a little boring and way less significant. After I met Justin I learned that someone could listen to me, care, respond, converse, learn, share, and just be there. All those things I was doing for everyone else, he did for me. So, my rambling has been externalized verbally. It's no longer my internal thought bubble let out on a computer screen. But still, I'm not sure I could ever ramble enough verbally to get out the ramblings in my brain. So...away we go.

Yesterday I spent a delightful day with Megan and Alex while Justin and the boys went to the Redskins game. The time spent w/ M&A cemented the fact that I want to start a family soon soon soon. I think Megan got a little worried about Alex crying in public or when she was trying to pack up, but honestly, it didn't bug me one bit. I guess I just feel like 'babies cry' and it's normal and natural. Yes, of course you're supposed to try to figure out what's wrong with them, but sometimes i think they just cry. Alex is a super sweetie and the more I'm around him the more I know I want to be a mom.

Yesterday I caught myself saying frequently "well if i can have a baby..." . I guess the fear that I can't is deeper in my psyche than I thought...because I can never just say..."when we have a family...". I am super scared that I won't be able to have a baby, I won't be able to experience the ups and downs of pregnancy, I won't be able to bond with a baby as I've seen my friends do...but then, i remember...even if I can't have a baby of my own, I want to be a mom...and I'll be a good mom. Even yesterday that settled in for me a little more. Now, I know it was only one day with one exceptional baby, but rocking him to sleep, making him laugh, it just felt natural. I guess Alex helped reinforce that if I do have to adopt...that will be okay because I'll be able to do the important bonding stuff with a baby that didn't come from my belly. It will be okay.

So, this month I will need to get some blood work done. From that we'll find out if Metformin will work for me (which I'm sure it will) and then from there I'll get more labs to find out if I'm ovulating (which I'm sure I'm not). My doctor last communicated that she would like to get my started on Metformin and possibly clomid. I've been on Metformin before so it doesn't freak me out, but Clomid kinda does. I've done some research and the things that scared me the most...i.e. costing millions of $$, multiple births, etc...are actually not so bad. Now, it's not something I'd LOVE to take, but I am willing. The $$ part is not so bad because they make a generic equivalent and i can get that reduced priced at Target...and the chances of having multiples is less than 10%, if i get pregnant using it. SO, we'll see.

Anyway, while i was writing this, i was actually doing some research. I'm tired and I want some pie. We have left over cherry pie from new years. Woo! The end~

#3

Work work work...my brain is on overload.

Things have been going well at work, and I've been assured that I will not get laid off and I will not get written up even though some of my work is late. Apparently, everyone in my position is late on work..and they realize that we are overworked and the expectation is way way too high. It's nice that they understand, but it doesn't take any of the work away. I just feel like I'm getting more and more behind...blah.

In other news, sports have taken over my TV. My husband is a sports fan and this is not something I was fully aware of when I agreed to marry him. LOL Serously though, it's okay, i just like to bug him about it sometimes, which makes him critisize my taste in TV. Well, I'll admit it, I watch stupid TV...I need to because my life is so full of serious stuff, I need some stupidity after I get home. He doesn't fully understand that because his job does not carry the amount of liability that mine does. Blah.

One of my crazier clients mother's wants to get a 'court mandate' to keep me on a case. It's flattering and all, but I really don't want to be the only person assigned to this family. I don't want to liability and I don't want to drama. This girl could crack at any moment and although i think she has a good base of coping skills, if she stops taking her meds...god i hope she doesn't stop taking her meds...everyone is in trouble. So, no thank you, lets move this case along to the next therapist. The end.

#2

Okay, so it's been several months since my first entry. Life.is.crazy.busy.

Today I am taking a 'work from home day' w/out approval from my supervisor. Hopefully this won't bite me in the ass, but I really need to catch up on some paperwork, and my brain really isn't in the right mode to focus on clients today. I've been tired lately. Today I didn't want to get out of bed, this is not a normal occurrence. Usually I'm up and out of bed by 5:30am ready to tackle the day...today, not so much. It was so so hard to pull myself from the bed today. Part of me wonders if I'm depressed. I think I am mildly depressed...the fact that I didn't want to get out of bed this morning and the fact that I ate so much food last night I was in pain tells me there's something going on with me. The past four months I've been doing pretty well, trying to be healthy and really just enjoying life, but in the past few weeks I've just been drained. I started breaking out horribly and just have felt really blah.

There have been some big changes in the lives of my friends, mainly babies. I have been to three baby showers in the past two months and I'm so super excited for all of my friends...but each of these events have been a bitter sweet reminder that I may not be able to have babies of my own. Justin and I have been trying actually, for the past 4-5 months, but I get discouraged because I don't know if I'm ovulating or not. I know I don't have any cysts right now, but my PCOS makes my body so weird that I can't chart like so many of my friends have been able to do in order to get pregnant. I just really look forward to being a parent with Justin, I think he's going to be a great dad and I just love him so much. Since before we got married we have known that it may be a possibility that I won't be able to get pregnant. I want to try everything, but right now, with babies popping out right and left, it just doesn't seem fast enough. I'm going to be 30 in June, and although I don't think I absolutely need to have a baby right away, my doctor let me know that after age 32 my chance of conceiving reduces greatly. So yeah, I'm probably a little depressed about the fact that I would love to start a family with the man I love right now...and I just don't know if it's going to happen. Believe me, it's tough seeing people I work with...horrible parents, who have 8 kids....why are they so fertile? It's so weird the way it works like that.

When I was 19 and I was diagnosed with PCOS, I had never been in love, I had never even had sex, I was so young and so accepting of the fact that I probably wouldn't have kids of my own. That was when I thought i was going to be a spinster, I thought I was going to be a teacher who lived by myself, with a dog and I would spend time with my friends and family and be happy about that. I never thought I could love somoene or someone could love me the way Justin does, so, children were not even close to reality for me. Even a few years ago, before marrying Justin, when we had the talk about the possibility that I wouldn't be able to have kids, I was fine with it, and so was he. I just don't think it was REAL yet...and now, it's so so real. It's strange how much can change in 10 years, how much of who I was then and who I am now...my dreams have changed and my goals in life have matured to include motherhood.

I guess I just don't know how long we're going to try before we move on to the next step. I mean, I could call my doctor today and get on the next medication...I could, but in June she told me to try for a year naturally, but I don't know if I want to wait that long.

I think this is why it's been difficult to get out of bed...and why I stuffed my stomach to push down my feelings. I just need to remain positive, and remember that this will take time. And if we can have kids of our own, it will be awesome...and if we can't, it will be awesome too, because we will foster or adopt. I just gotta keep myself focused on the big picture and on the important things in life. I have a wonderful life. I have a great job where I get to help people everyday, I have a loving husband who treats me so so well and loves me for who I am, and I have exceptional friends and family who support me in all I do. I am truly blessed.

This next phase of my life will not be easy, but I will get through it all.

Okay, now it's time to do some paperwork. ;-)