#7

What a day.

I am home now and I am feeling a tad overwhelmed. I am facing the fact that one of my favorite clients, who I have worked with for almost two years, may be having either a psychotic break, may be bi-polar, or may have a conduct disorder. Either way, he is headed down a bumpy road and I feel so lost in helping him at the moment....and he won't let me even try, which is heartbreaking. This is one of those kids that makes me want to quit my job and move him in to my home because he would do so much better with the structure, acceptance, and love that I could provide for such a special kid. This will not happen of course, but I just want to do so much more for this kid than my position allows. During times like these I get so frustrated w/ the system and with the adults that give life to children they can not and will not love or take care of. This kid is so talented, he could really be a force to be reckoned with in the art or fashion world, but the years upon years of lack of structure and lack of consequences have left him with a greater chance of him being your favorite homeless savant or another statistic in the juvenile justice system. He has been stealing frequently for the past two months, getting break after break from the major discount shopping stores he is attempting to steal from, and not understanding that he can and will get consequences eventually. He lives in a group home where they don't do crap and we have been trying to get him moved for several months but his children's social worker is useless. He is in a downward spiral and I'm very scared that I will have to see him in a juvenile justice facility or in a hospital very soon. I have expressed my concern, but he is not concerned. I told him that if he won't worry for himself, I will worry for him. He is 16 going on 17, but looks 12 going on 13. He is not on target in his development physically or mentally thanks to being born drug addicted and w/ syphilis. Anyway, this kid has been weighing heavy on my heart. I really care about him and I want to be able to help..I do know that the fact that I do care is helpful, but he is just so lost right now. Anyway, I have a heavy feeling and I want to feel lighter.

Which takes me into my next area. I am having a problem lately where I NEVER feel full, even when I do feel physically full I still want to eat. I'm not gaining a ton of weight because I am not giving into it, but I just hate the feeling. I have been trying to think think think about where this is coming from and I'm sure it's coming from a LOT of areas at the moment. I just feel very stressed lately and not very self assured. I am not as confident as I was a year ago, and no where as confident as I was the year before that. There are a lot of things going on in my life that have been building up and I know I am not dealing with them or accepting the strain they may have on my psyche. Often times I consume myself in my work so I don't have to face what is really going on with me. Well, here are two things that have been bothering me:

1. I am so so so scared that i won't be able to have my own child. Now this is something that I have been aware of for about 10 years now, but after 'trying' for the past year w/ no luck, and getting some news about my hormones, I am kind of stuck in pause. I see a new doctor on the 16th and I just hope this doctor can be more helpful. I loved my last doctor, but I don't think she really knew how to effectively help me. I've done a lot of research and I can't move on to the next step w/out the support of a knowledgeable compassionate doctor. So, we'll see what happens on the 16th. I just feel bad because I have been losing my confidence in the bedroom (probably too much info) but it is affecting my sex life and I hate that. I actually cried for the first time about it last week and Justin felt horrible. He said something insensitive about my hairy legs, which wouldn't have normally bothered me, and that totally killed everything. I broke down and it was just no fun. He totally swept me off my feet the next night and made up for it, but I know my reaction was more about not being able to give him the family he wants then the stupid comment about my "sexy hairy legs." Anyway, something we will continue to work on, it's just hard to feel/act sexy or womanly when I don't feel like much of a woman, hormonally speaking. It's weird, I hate PCOS.

2. I have been getting my hours together to get licensed. Again, my confidence is so so low in this area. I have worked so hard the past three years, heck the past 7 years to be able to do what I love doing...and I am so so scared that I won't pass the licensing exam. I have a fear of failure and it is so strong right now. I have been putting this stuff off for the last year and I'm really trying to set things in motion right now. I found out that I need to take a few additional courses before I can mail in my hours so I've been trying to find those. Luckily, so does Livier, so we're doing it together. I will conquer this fear, I will...and I will pass the test eventually. Anyway, That's what's going on with me.

In other news, I went to the gym tonight. I added Justin on to my account w/ the money we're saving by not renewing our dland passes. I told him if there is a month he doesn't go then I'm going to cancel the membership. Mine is $50 a year and I haven't been in forever. We're going to try to go Mondays, Wed. and at least one day on the weekend. In better news, I got the prize at Kindra's Oscar Party...not to shabby considering I saw like three of the movies. Kindra actually won, but I got runner up. That was fun. :) So, that's about it at the moment.