#25

I have never ever been so behind in my work...ever. It's overwhelming to think about how very far behind I am and how much motivation it's going to take to really get "caught up"...I say "caught up" because I know, in my line of work, there is no such thing as really being caught up. Having everything done, there is just no way. There is always a note to write, an update to do, an assessment to complete, a client to see. I really do love my job...my career. I love the kids I work with, so I accepted a long time ago, that I will never be done. I will never have that amazing satisfied feeling that I am done for the day. But, knowing this does not help the anxiety, nor does it help with motivation. The anxiety used to help my motivation, but now it is just anxiety and it is not helpful. I am nervous that I will get written up, but apparently not nervous enough...I think I should have motivation, where is it? Today I am doing some work from home, this should allow me to get a lot of work done, but I find myself incredibly distracted. Distracted by the dishes in the sink, distracted by the television I have turned off three times, distracted by blogs I want to read, distracted by pretty much anything that stops me from doing my work. Is this some form of depression? Probably. Will I pull myself out of it? Probably. Right now, I just need to put it out there. I need to be honest with myself about it. So much of my life is wonderful and amazing, but I really am holding myself back right now and I don't feel like I have a lot of control over it....that is scary. After I publish this I'm going to make a plan for myself with deadlines. It will be realistic. I need to do it. I will do it....i hope. LOL, okay, I'm not convincing myself. Oh, lingering, floating, soaring motivation...why can't I grasp you? Please come back to me. Ramble ramble ramble...now I'm just rambling so I don't have to do my work. So, I'm going to stop. The end.

#24

Time is flying. Days go by and turn in to weeks and months. I intend to call people, make contact, be a friend...but I say to myself I'll call soon, I get tired, I forget. I have an emergency at work, I have a sick baby, I get sick, I just can't do it all. Something has to suffer and I feel horrible about the things that don't get done. But, I am only one person, doing the job of four people. I love my family, I love my job, I love my friends...unfortunately, I can only have slices of each and not all of any. Eliza will be 6 months next week. Time is flying.

#23

Wowwy...it's been a few months. So many things have happened it's hard to determine where I should begin. Life has been so moment to moment...so, I suppose I should start in this moment. I am currently sitting at a coffee shop and taking a break from studying. That's right, I'm studying again. I am actually trying to get a testing strategy down and it's very hard to do at home with a lil baby. Truth is, I would so much rather attend to Eliza then study. But, I need to take my Clinical Vignette exam sooner rather than later and I don't know that I will have time to study once I have to go back to work. Soooo, I've been trying to get out of the house at least every other day for an hour or two to study. It's hard to focus on what seems so insignificant now...but I have to remind myself that it is EXTREMELY Significant! Passing this exam will enhance my paycheck, making life a little less stressful now that we have our bundle of joy!

She really is a bundle of joy! Every day I am amazed by the fact that Justin and I made a life...a wonderfully, silly, beautiful, gassy, thoughtful, challenging, amazing life. She is everything all at once. Her entrance into the world was a very difficult one for me, maybe something I will write about in a later entry, and the first several weeks challenged both me and Justin in ways we never anticipated...but, life is starting to slow down, things are getting easier, and I'm finally starting to feel like more than a mother again. That sounds kind of negative I guess, but to me it is not. I think it's important to be who I have always been with the enhanced title of someone's mother. :)

I'm still trying to figure out who I have always been, who I am, who I want to be. It's a life long journey. I'm excited to add to it every day. Okay, I better get back home to be with my little one. I miss her every second I am gone, but on the other hand, I cherish my alone time...even if I am studying. ~The end

#22

Well, it's been a few weeks and I have been so busy I haven't had much time to even procrastinate. LOL I'm 36weeks pregnant now and seriously feeling it. Even though I haven't gained a lot of weight, I feel heavy and everyday tasks like putting on underwear and pants takes the energy of running a marathon.....okay, maybe not that much, but I do get short of breath. I've been having a lot of braxton hicks contractions and they don't really hurt, per say, but are very annoying. When I have them I have to stop what I'm doing and breathe through them. My back hurts more days than not now and I am definitely waddling. I don't look at all of this a bad, I just look at it as the home stretch...almost there. I'm so excited to have our Lil' (hopefully girl) that I'm kind of looking forward to labor. I mean, I know it's going to be scary, it's going to hurt and I'll probably think I'm dying at several points...but I also think that my attitude about labor is good. I think it's pain with a purpose, I think I can handle it because women have been doing it Forever. It's like the most natural thing you could do, right? LOL So we'll see how it goes.

In other news, my last day of work is next Friday the 22nd. It's very odd to think about not working for a few months...I mean, i KNOW i'll be WORKING...it will just be a different kind of work. I've been doing the same thing for the past 5 years with very minimal time off, so it's going to be weird to have such a large chunk of time off. I'm sure it will fly by and I'm sure I won't want to go back...but I'm also sure that I will go back, because frankly, we can't afford for me not to. LOL

Oh, in other other news, after studying for four months I passed my 1st LCSW exam. I am seriously surprised, not because I wasn't prepared, but because of my mental state going in. We had to put out lil ol' lady Ava to sleep in the middle of the night the night before. It was horrible...i miss her terribly and there is def. a void in our home and hearts. I think about her every day and I stop myself like 3-4xs a day from talking to her or referring to her so I don't upset Justin. He's having the hardest time with it, I think he's started putting more energy on the baby stuff though so he can not think about her all the time. It's weird not to have a dog around...

Changing the subject... I have the most amazing friends and family! We were thrown two of the most wonderful baby showers in the universe. My family shower was at my Aunt Marion's Home. It was simply beautiful and I was overwhelmed by the generosity of our family friends. I was also excited to get so many beautiful hand made blankets and some heirloom pieces as well. Our friend shower was thrown by Livier, Nicole, Kim, Megan, Helen w/ some assistance from Kindra as well! Livier let us demolish her home and cooked a great meal and Nicole made some really beautiful/fun decorations, it was seriously great! It was a Baby Fiesta! I will attempt to post pictures later and write more about it later (but, yeah, you all know how good I am at doing things "later"). lol I am so lucky to have so many people in my life who care about us. Our child will be lucky as well to have so many excellent aunts and uncles! :)

Okay, i better get to work. ...one more week...super weird.

#21

Oh man, what I wouldn't give for a Super Large cup of Real Coffee with tons of cream and fake sugar...that would really hit the spot right now. I guess the phrase "what I wouldn't give" is not really accurate, because although I want this, I'm not willing to chance my baby being stressed by all of the caffeine and her brain being messed with from the fake sugar. I'm sure everything would turn out fine, but I think later in life if my baby does have some problems I don't want to have to think back on the crap I ate and drank while pregnant and think, was that it? I think this stems from growing up with a learning disability and having to work extra super hard in school while seeing all of my brilliant friends and sister skate through their AP classes, etc. I'm pretty sure my mom didn't do anything horrible during her pregnancy with me, since she is dyslexic as well, I'm pretty sure it's genetic...I guess I just want to know that for sure if my child had a learning disability, that I wasn't the cause, that it's just in the genes. That I can deal with. So, I don't drink caffeine, I don't eat fake sugar unless it's a little bit of splenda (which has been approved for pregnant women), I don't eat hot dogs or lunch meat or sushi, I've pretty much cut out red meat and fried foods all together, I guess it's just weird that I could never do these things before getting pregnant, it's funny that the baby is somehow more important than my health. Anyway, we'll see how long all of this lasts after the baby is born. I honestly can't wait to have a glass of wine and a hot dog...I know, sounds appetizing together, huh?

Done with Rambling... BACK TO WORK!

#20

Getting kinda tired of people telling me "Just you wait..." if I say I'm tired or something. Yes, I'm aware that I'm going to be tired after the baby is born, the baby probably won't sleep through the night and my life will be forever changed....I just wish people would just let me have what I have now and not compair it to what they have...i guess. Maybe I'll just stop posting stuff, blah. I'm tired and I want to go to sleep...it really has nothing to do with the baby...I've had a rough, emotionally draining day at work...and it's not even close to being done. I feel fine physically, it's just mentally I would like to get away for awhile. blah. Anyway, end of rant, I have some paperwork to do.

#19

Welp, I'm 28wks now and getting pretty excited. I'm at work right now and just thinking about the baby and not really focusing on working. Also, the lure of a three day weekend (and the fact that by boss left early today) makes it difficult for me to focus on work.

I had a doctors appointment today and all is good in the hood. The baby is 'growing nicely' as the Dr. said and I was able to talk with the doctor about some of my thoughts about a natural birth. She did say that there aren't a lot of natural medicine free births at the hospital and she did advocate for at least an epidural for a first birth. She said that I may be able to do it without medication, but not to pigeon hole myself into only doing it that way. She wanted me to remain flexible, which is what I'm planning on anyway, she said that having an epidural can help me with my energy which will make pushing easier. I told her that I plan on being flexible, and if I feel like I can't handle the pain I will get the epidural w/out feeling bad about it. In other news, I'm finally back up to my pre-pregnancy weight. The Doctor is happy with my weight and would like me to continue to gain gradually. She is not worried about me having to have a c-section, which is something I was worried about. The baby decided to kick while she was listening to the heart beat today, it was pretty funny. My blood pressure was actually normal, which was a nice surprise, since it's been borderline high at my last few appointments.

Valentines day was very nice this year. We didn't go out or do anything too fancy. Justin researched a recipe for turkey meatloaf, since I'm not eating red meat, and it was AMAZING! I am so fortunate that Justin loves to cook. He really is just an amazing wonderful guy and I honestly don't know how I got so lucky. Our evening was also fun and kinda hot...that's all I'm gonna say here. :)

I did feel kinda bad that we didn't get to go to Jerianne's wedding. I don't want to go into the drama here, but it sure is some drama. I wish we would have been made aware of when/where it was, but that was her choice not to invite us. I honestly hope they have a beautiful life together and I hope that she will talk to Justin eventually.

Since I'm bouncing around a lot in this entry, I just wanted to throw this out there because I liked this conversation. At Sarah's shower I was sitting with Kindra and Joc, it was good times. At one point we were talking about toys from when we were kids....during this conversation it dawned on me that I really didn't get as many toys as other kids or accessories for my toys, but that didn't seem to bother me as a child. I am actually extremely glad about that now, because not having a barbie car or dream house actually helped me become more creative. Kindra and Joc were surprised to hear that I used shoes as barbie cars, made 'dream homes' out of chairs and sheets, and made a lot of my barbies clothes out of ribbons, shoelaces or scarves. I honestly thought that all kids did these things, but as I look back on it, I do remember going to friends houses and playing with their Barbie mansions. Kindra (or Joc) pointed out that that is probably why I am so Crafty now. I like that I am crafty and that I think outside of the box sometimes. I like that I make things and that I can figure out uses for things that maybe weren't intended for said uses. So, this prompted a conversation with Justin about toys and things...he was pretty much in the same boat as me growing up, had to make the best of what he had. He also liked that it caused him to be more musical since he didn't have the latest video games and whatnot. Though i want to give my child the world, maybe we would be giving them a greater gift of imagination and creativity if we limited the amount of Toys and things that our child has. We have always been on the same boat as far as gigantic themed birthday parties and such for babies (not really something we want to do), but I'm glad we are on the same page about this. I know that some people will not understand when our child only gets one birthday present or one Christmas present, but this is how I grew up and I think it helped me in the long run. NOW, who knows, these things may change and we may become a product of our society and buy into the more is more mentality...I just like that we are talking about these things now. :)

Anyway, I think I need to do some work...then maybe leave work early. :) lol