#25

I have never ever been so behind in my work...ever. It's overwhelming to think about how very far behind I am and how much motivation it's going to take to really get "caught up"...I say "caught up" because I know, in my line of work, there is no such thing as really being caught up. Having everything done, there is just no way. There is always a note to write, an update to do, an assessment to complete, a client to see. I really do love my job...my career. I love the kids I work with, so I accepted a long time ago, that I will never be done. I will never have that amazing satisfied feeling that I am done for the day. But, knowing this does not help the anxiety, nor does it help with motivation. The anxiety used to help my motivation, but now it is just anxiety and it is not helpful. I am nervous that I will get written up, but apparently not nervous enough...I think I should have motivation, where is it? Today I am doing some work from home, this should allow me to get a lot of work done, but I find myself incredibly distracted. Distracted by the dishes in the sink, distracted by the television I have turned off three times, distracted by blogs I want to read, distracted by pretty much anything that stops me from doing my work. Is this some form of depression? Probably. Will I pull myself out of it? Probably. Right now, I just need to put it out there. I need to be honest with myself about it. So much of my life is wonderful and amazing, but I really am holding myself back right now and I don't feel like I have a lot of control over it....that is scary. After I publish this I'm going to make a plan for myself with deadlines. It will be realistic. I need to do it. I will do it....i hope. LOL, okay, I'm not convincing myself. Oh, lingering, floating, soaring motivation...why can't I grasp you? Please come back to me. Ramble ramble ramble...now I'm just rambling so I don't have to do my work. So, I'm going to stop. The end.