#2

Okay, so it's been several months since my first entry. Life.is.crazy.busy.

Today I am taking a 'work from home day' w/out approval from my supervisor. Hopefully this won't bite me in the ass, but I really need to catch up on some paperwork, and my brain really isn't in the right mode to focus on clients today. I've been tired lately. Today I didn't want to get out of bed, this is not a normal occurrence. Usually I'm up and out of bed by 5:30am ready to tackle the day...today, not so much. It was so so hard to pull myself from the bed today. Part of me wonders if I'm depressed. I think I am mildly depressed...the fact that I didn't want to get out of bed this morning and the fact that I ate so much food last night I was in pain tells me there's something going on with me. The past four months I've been doing pretty well, trying to be healthy and really just enjoying life, but in the past few weeks I've just been drained. I started breaking out horribly and just have felt really blah.

There have been some big changes in the lives of my friends, mainly babies. I have been to three baby showers in the past two months and I'm so super excited for all of my friends...but each of these events have been a bitter sweet reminder that I may not be able to have babies of my own. Justin and I have been trying actually, for the past 4-5 months, but I get discouraged because I don't know if I'm ovulating or not. I know I don't have any cysts right now, but my PCOS makes my body so weird that I can't chart like so many of my friends have been able to do in order to get pregnant. I just really look forward to being a parent with Justin, I think he's going to be a great dad and I just love him so much. Since before we got married we have known that it may be a possibility that I won't be able to get pregnant. I want to try everything, but right now, with babies popping out right and left, it just doesn't seem fast enough. I'm going to be 30 in June, and although I don't think I absolutely need to have a baby right away, my doctor let me know that after age 32 my chance of conceiving reduces greatly. So yeah, I'm probably a little depressed about the fact that I would love to start a family with the man I love right now...and I just don't know if it's going to happen. Believe me, it's tough seeing people I work with...horrible parents, who have 8 kids....why are they so fertile? It's so weird the way it works like that.

When I was 19 and I was diagnosed with PCOS, I had never been in love, I had never even had sex, I was so young and so accepting of the fact that I probably wouldn't have kids of my own. That was when I thought i was going to be a spinster, I thought I was going to be a teacher who lived by myself, with a dog and I would spend time with my friends and family and be happy about that. I never thought I could love somoene or someone could love me the way Justin does, so, children were not even close to reality for me. Even a few years ago, before marrying Justin, when we had the talk about the possibility that I wouldn't be able to have kids, I was fine with it, and so was he. I just don't think it was REAL yet...and now, it's so so real. It's strange how much can change in 10 years, how much of who I was then and who I am now...my dreams have changed and my goals in life have matured to include motherhood.

I guess I just don't know how long we're going to try before we move on to the next step. I mean, I could call my doctor today and get on the next medication...I could, but in June she told me to try for a year naturally, but I don't know if I want to wait that long.

I think this is why it's been difficult to get out of bed...and why I stuffed my stomach to push down my feelings. I just need to remain positive, and remember that this will take time. And if we can have kids of our own, it will be awesome...and if we can't, it will be awesome too, because we will foster or adopt. I just gotta keep myself focused on the big picture and on the important things in life. I have a wonderful life. I have a great job where I get to help people everyday, I have a loving husband who treats me so so well and loves me for who I am, and I have exceptional friends and family who support me in all I do. I am truly blessed.

This next phase of my life will not be easy, but I will get through it all.

Okay, now it's time to do some paperwork. ;-)