#6

blood work is done, it was in interesting experience. next months i get to have an ovulation test. woo! lol back to work.

#5

So, I'm currently sitting on hold waiting to figure out if I can go to the lab by my house or if I have to trek to fountain valley tomorrow morning. Woo. I finally get to go get my blood work done. I've been slightly stressing/annoyed because my auntie Flo wasn't coming...usually after i do my 10day dose of provera, Flo comes to visit w/in 2-3 days after I'm done...but this month, i finished my dose on the 16th and Flo didn't come until the 23rd. I was totally annoyed and thought that my body hated me...and then I thought that maybe I was pregnant and I had harmed my baby by taking the provera...and so I took a pregnancy test...and of course it was negative...but still, it was frustrating. So it finally started in the middle of the night on Friday, yay.

off hold...

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ARG...i'm annoyed! So good news is, they said I could go to the lab by my house,...but then they checked to make sure the labs were ordered...and, THEY WEREN'T! UGH. I checked the e-mail from my doctor and she said she was ordering them on the 18th of last month. Arg! So I'm supposed to get my labs done tomorrow and now I'm going to have to call the doctor in the morning and see if she can order them and then go get them, all before going in to work in the morning. Frustrating, I really hope I don't have to wait until next month. :(

So it looks like this is turning into a blog about trying to get pregnant. LOL Of course this isn't all that is going on in my life, but I guess it's a pretty big important thing. I really do want to start a family and now I'm getting impatient. LOL I know I need to relax, but right now there isn't enough chocolate in the world that will take the edge off. Kinda fitting, I just finished watching Julie and Julia and it appeared Julia Childs couldn't get pregnant...yah.

So, I'm more calm now and I'm going to change the subject. When I was on vacation with my family early this month, my oldest sister taught me how to knit. I've always wanted to learn how to knit and now I'm super excited to get started. I plan on going to the yarn store today to pick out something that won't look lame for my first real project. I'm sure I'm going to go nuts while trying to learn, but I love doing things with my hands, and this I can also do while I'm watching TV. LOL

Another thing I'd love to do this year is take a ballet class. There is one in Long Beach that I used to go to but it is so expensive. They ask for $20 a class now, when I used to go there it was $12 a class and you could pay $10 a class if you bought them in a bundle. I guess now if you buy a bundle it is anywhere from $15 a class to $12.75 a class...so we'll see. I may look around to find another class, or I might just go like twice a month. I just really want to dance again. I miss dancing. I wish I could find a modern dance class in the area, but that will take a little more searching I guess.

I also need to get my paperwork together for getting Licenced. I need to stop putting it off, but then again, I know I can't afford any prep classes until July, so I guess I can afford to put it off a little longer. But, I would like to get licenced this year, I'll get an 8% raise at my job and I will be closer to being able to become a supervisor in my field, which is a goal I def. have. ;)

Okay, I'm off to the yarn store. Yay for the sun being out!

#4

I really do need to write more. I used to love to write and would write long novel like journal entries, now...just the thought of actually sitting down and writing is kind of stressful to me. I guess because I write so much at work..boring work stuff...that writing has lost it's fun. I want it to be fun again, and more so I want to get something out of it. When I used to write, it was just rambling...just getting what was swimming around in my head out...working things out...helping organize my thoughts. Nothing was every pretty or tied up in a perfect bow. I never worked hard to sound intelligent...I just rambled.

I need to get my ramble back. It seriously helps me. I guess one of the reasons I ramble less in writing is because I ramble more in person I suppose. I was not much of a talker up until about 4-5 years ago. I was more of a instant messenger type and a total listener when around friends. I think when I went to Michigan, and I HAD to talk on the phone for hours w/ Justin I started to get used to the sound of my voice. It's not secret that I grew up with two very VERBAL sisters, who were both speech and debate champions. They were/are brilliant and I guess I was just brilliant at listening to them. I expressed myself more with art, dance and color guard. I was also more athletic than both of my sisters. I guess my body spoke for me in ways that theirs didn't. I knew I was strong and so did everyone else...I guess my sisters kinda had to prove it with their voices, their thoughts and their awards. I love them to death, but I never knew that someone actually cared to listen to me until I met Justin. Honestly, I loved my friends but always felt that my problems, my thoughts, and my world was just a little boring and way less significant. After I met Justin I learned that someone could listen to me, care, respond, converse, learn, share, and just be there. All those things I was doing for everyone else, he did for me. So, my rambling has been externalized verbally. It's no longer my internal thought bubble let out on a computer screen. But still, I'm not sure I could ever ramble enough verbally to get out the ramblings in my brain. So...away we go.

Yesterday I spent a delightful day with Megan and Alex while Justin and the boys went to the Redskins game. The time spent w/ M&A cemented the fact that I want to start a family soon soon soon. I think Megan got a little worried about Alex crying in public or when she was trying to pack up, but honestly, it didn't bug me one bit. I guess I just feel like 'babies cry' and it's normal and natural. Yes, of course you're supposed to try to figure out what's wrong with them, but sometimes i think they just cry. Alex is a super sweetie and the more I'm around him the more I know I want to be a mom.

Yesterday I caught myself saying frequently "well if i can have a baby..." . I guess the fear that I can't is deeper in my psyche than I thought...because I can never just say..."when we have a family...". I am super scared that I won't be able to have a baby, I won't be able to experience the ups and downs of pregnancy, I won't be able to bond with a baby as I've seen my friends do...but then, i remember...even if I can't have a baby of my own, I want to be a mom...and I'll be a good mom. Even yesterday that settled in for me a little more. Now, I know it was only one day with one exceptional baby, but rocking him to sleep, making him laugh, it just felt natural. I guess Alex helped reinforce that if I do have to adopt...that will be okay because I'll be able to do the important bonding stuff with a baby that didn't come from my belly. It will be okay.

So, this month I will need to get some blood work done. From that we'll find out if Metformin will work for me (which I'm sure it will) and then from there I'll get more labs to find out if I'm ovulating (which I'm sure I'm not). My doctor last communicated that she would like to get my started on Metformin and possibly clomid. I've been on Metformin before so it doesn't freak me out, but Clomid kinda does. I've done some research and the things that scared me the most...i.e. costing millions of $$, multiple births, etc...are actually not so bad. Now, it's not something I'd LOVE to take, but I am willing. The $$ part is not so bad because they make a generic equivalent and i can get that reduced priced at Target...and the chances of having multiples is less than 10%, if i get pregnant using it. SO, we'll see.

Anyway, while i was writing this, i was actually doing some research. I'm tired and I want some pie. We have left over cherry pie from new years. Woo! The end~