#4

I really do need to write more. I used to love to write and would write long novel like journal entries, now...just the thought of actually sitting down and writing is kind of stressful to me. I guess because I write so much at work..boring work stuff...that writing has lost it's fun. I want it to be fun again, and more so I want to get something out of it. When I used to write, it was just rambling...just getting what was swimming around in my head out...working things out...helping organize my thoughts. Nothing was every pretty or tied up in a perfect bow. I never worked hard to sound intelligent...I just rambled.

I need to get my ramble back. It seriously helps me. I guess one of the reasons I ramble less in writing is because I ramble more in person I suppose. I was not much of a talker up until about 4-5 years ago. I was more of a instant messenger type and a total listener when around friends. I think when I went to Michigan, and I HAD to talk on the phone for hours w/ Justin I started to get used to the sound of my voice. It's not secret that I grew up with two very VERBAL sisters, who were both speech and debate champions. They were/are brilliant and I guess I was just brilliant at listening to them. I expressed myself more with art, dance and color guard. I was also more athletic than both of my sisters. I guess my body spoke for me in ways that theirs didn't. I knew I was strong and so did everyone else...I guess my sisters kinda had to prove it with their voices, their thoughts and their awards. I love them to death, but I never knew that someone actually cared to listen to me until I met Justin. Honestly, I loved my friends but always felt that my problems, my thoughts, and my world was just a little boring and way less significant. After I met Justin I learned that someone could listen to me, care, respond, converse, learn, share, and just be there. All those things I was doing for everyone else, he did for me. So, my rambling has been externalized verbally. It's no longer my internal thought bubble let out on a computer screen. But still, I'm not sure I could ever ramble enough verbally to get out the ramblings in my brain. So...away we go.

Yesterday I spent a delightful day with Megan and Alex while Justin and the boys went to the Redskins game. The time spent w/ M&A cemented the fact that I want to start a family soon soon soon. I think Megan got a little worried about Alex crying in public or when she was trying to pack up, but honestly, it didn't bug me one bit. I guess I just feel like 'babies cry' and it's normal and natural. Yes, of course you're supposed to try to figure out what's wrong with them, but sometimes i think they just cry. Alex is a super sweetie and the more I'm around him the more I know I want to be a mom.

Yesterday I caught myself saying frequently "well if i can have a baby..." . I guess the fear that I can't is deeper in my psyche than I thought...because I can never just say..."when we have a family...". I am super scared that I won't be able to have a baby, I won't be able to experience the ups and downs of pregnancy, I won't be able to bond with a baby as I've seen my friends do...but then, i remember...even if I can't have a baby of my own, I want to be a mom...and I'll be a good mom. Even yesterday that settled in for me a little more. Now, I know it was only one day with one exceptional baby, but rocking him to sleep, making him laugh, it just felt natural. I guess Alex helped reinforce that if I do have to adopt...that will be okay because I'll be able to do the important bonding stuff with a baby that didn't come from my belly. It will be okay.

So, this month I will need to get some blood work done. From that we'll find out if Metformin will work for me (which I'm sure it will) and then from there I'll get more labs to find out if I'm ovulating (which I'm sure I'm not). My doctor last communicated that she would like to get my started on Metformin and possibly clomid. I've been on Metformin before so it doesn't freak me out, but Clomid kinda does. I've done some research and the things that scared me the most...i.e. costing millions of $$, multiple births, etc...are actually not so bad. Now, it's not something I'd LOVE to take, but I am willing. The $$ part is not so bad because they make a generic equivalent and i can get that reduced priced at Target...and the chances of having multiples is less than 10%, if i get pregnant using it. SO, we'll see.

Anyway, while i was writing this, i was actually doing some research. I'm tired and I want some pie. We have left over cherry pie from new years. Woo! The end~